Xigbar's Not Your Lawyer!
by OurLordDisco
Summary: Cloud is in court today for murdering his mother-in-law. But that's all right, all he needs is a good lawyer! Xigbar is NOT a good lawyer.


**A/N: Please note: this fic is probably filled with legal inaccuracies, because the extent of my knowledge of a court case comes from Judge Judy, Judging Amy and Legally Blonde (which you probably can't class as legitimate anyway) and also, the Served comics by Nire-Chan and Lady Chimera. Title based off of 'Rex is Not Your Lawyer', which I have never seen, but thought had a cool title. Own nothing. Warning: Murder, swearing, discrimination.**

Cloud Strife was celebrated as the most successful mechanic in all of Traverse Town. He had recently also been dubbed as the most notorious serial killer in all of Traverse Town. The people of Traverse Town were known to exaggerate. For one, he was quite a shitty mechanic, and the only reason he had earned the aforementioned title was because his only competitor, Cid Highwind, would work for nothing less than a fortune. On another note, Cloud had only killed one person, and he wasn't ever going to admit it. (Besides, he should get away with it on account of the fact that he only killed his asshole for a mother-in-law.)

Anyway, I digress. It was because of this murder that Cloud was in court that morning, an hour early, on request of his lawyer. It hadn't occurred to Cloud that the lawyer would be late to his own appointment, and it was quite worrying. But Cloud did not go without, because with 10 minutes to spare, a man with black, greying hair, a scar across his left cheek and an eyepatch on his right eye. He sat down beside Cloud and heaved a sigh of relief. "Phew, made it," he said.

"Um... who are you?" Cloud asked,

"Oh, sorry, I must introduce myself. Your lawyer called in sick... what's his name... Dennis or something... anyway, he called in sick, so I was sent in to replace him. But I'm just as good!" Cloud looked at the man, who was supposedly his lawyer.

"I don't mean to offend, but you don't seem to act like any lawyer I've dealt with before..."

"Oh I'm totally legit; I have my degrees and everything!" The man pulled a briefcase onto the bench, opened it and produced an official looking document from the University of Radiant Gardens. It was, indeed, a law degree. "See, that's my name there. Vexen Winter." Ok, so now we must come to the breaking of wall the fourth. Most readers should know that the lawyer mentioned here is not Vexen, but Xigbar. Xigbar stole Vexen's degree so he could play lawyer for a day (it's not like Vexen noticed; he's too busy blowing shit up in the name of science). He was bored, can you blame him? Anyway, back to the fic. Cloud looked at the degree warily. Surely this man couldn't be a lawyer. Could he? "And besides," Xigbar continued, "how much trouble can you get into for petty theft anyway? A slap on the wrist and a 'don't do it again'?" He chuckled at that thought. Cloud head-desked.

"I'm not here for theft you twit, I'm here for MURDER!" Xigbar choked on his laughter.

"Oh, oh shit. Seriously? Damn. Um..." The thought was cut off by the bailiff.

"All rise. This is the Strife vs. The city of Traverse Town case so please make sure you're in the right courtroom... there's always one isn't there? The honourable Judge Yuffie Kisaragi presiding, you may be seated."

"Ok, let's get this show on the road. Defence, you may proceed."

"Don't worry, dude," Xigbar whispered, "I was up all night watching the Crime Network. I got this." Cloud responded by slamming his head against the desk. Xigbar approached the judge's podium and began. "Your honour, my client, Cloud Strife, has been wrongfully accused of the murder of one Maria Gainsborough, who died on the 9th of June, one month ago, at 11:56 pm. My client has an alibi for that night. My first witness is Axel Fiamma." Upon hearing this, a man with red, gravity-defying hair came out of the stands, strutting like he was the sexiest man on earth. Statistics show that he probably is. "Mr. Fiamma, you are Mr. Strife's closest friend, are you not?" Xigbar asked once Axel had gone through the whole 'Do you swear to tell the truth' jargon and was at the witness podium.

"That's correct," Axel said.

"And Mr. Strife was with you on the night of the late Mrs. Gainsborough's death, between 7pm and 2am?"

"Yep. It was Larxene's 'time of the month' you see, and I always go drinking with Cloud on those days, lest I face the wrath of an even BITCHIER Larxene than normal."

"Exactly," Xigbar grinned, "so you see-"

"Objection," said a voice from the plaintiff desk, "permission to approach the bench?"

"Permission granted." Xigbar frowned in contempt, trying not to tell the other lawyer to go fuck himself as he sat back down. The brown haired lawyer swaggered up to the podium, like _he _was the sexiest man on earth (what is this, a court case or the music video for 'I'm Sexy and I Know It'?). "Squall Leonhart," he said smugly, "Mr. Fiamma, you said you were the closest friend of Mr. Strife. But I asked Mrs. Strife, and she says that she hasn't seen you before in her life. If you were the closest friend of Mr. Strife, surely you would have met his wife." Axel was momentarily speechless.

"Um, I can explain that," he said, "She probably didn't recognise me. I used to be blonde."

"But wouldn't she recognise you from your name?"

"I've... um, changed my name since we last saw each other. I used to be...uh..." Axel had never met Cloud before, but he'd learnt a little bit about him when Xigbar had asked him to play witness for the trial. So Axel could recall one name from the files, "...Sephiroth. I changed my name from Sephiroth Gastury to Axel Fiamma." Leonhart snorted,

"Really? Because I knew Sephiroth Gastury, and he died, 5 years ago."

"No, his son, Sephiroth Jr."

"Gastury had only one son, his name is Riku. He's eleven."

"Oh this is discriminatory!" Axel shouted, "It's 'cos I'm a red-head, isn't it? Fuck this then." He stalked out of the courtroom. Cloud lowered his head into his hands, disbelieving that any one person could be _that _stupid.

"Can Mr. Fiamma's statements be stricken from the record?"

"So stricken. Plaintiff, your evidence?"

"Of course. Autopsy concludes that Mrs. Gainsborough was stabbed twice in the stomach, once in the heart, and twice in the right lung. The weapon appears to be," a picture flickered up on a projector screen, "this kitchen knife. It seems to have been taken from the victim's own home. It was covered in her blood and the fingerprints of..." pause for effect, "...Cloud Strife!" A gasp from the plaintiff's hired gaspers.

"Oh as if!" Xigbar shouted, then recognised his mistake, "Um, I mean, objection!" Judge Kisaragi raised an eyebrow but for some odd reason allowed him to continue. "Is it not true that Mr. Strife had spent dinner at the victim's house the night before? Could it be that my client used that knife the night before and the prints hadn't been cleaned off?" There were a few murmurs of consideration. "Furthermore, let's look at my client, and his history. Does he look like an idiot? Does he sound like an idiot? No, he seems quite bright. So, if he were to kill someone, do you think he would make it so obvious? I mean, leaving behind the murder weapon, and leaving DNA with it no less, isn't that right, Mr. Strife?" Cloud's eyes widened. _What the hell? There's no way I can answer that question without looking like a murderer one way or another! _He opted to say nothing. Xigbar caught on quickly, "So it appears, and this is just my opinion, that he may have been framed." A few jury and audience members murmured agreement. Leonhart seemed mildly surprised that Xigbar could deliver and even vaguely possible argument. He didn't seem at all worried, though.

"Even so, that is not the only thing we have against Mr. Strife. I would like to call upon his wife to come to the stands." Cloud was solemn at that. He loved Aerith; really, it was just her mother he couldn't stand. Aerith sat at the stand; seeming upset (well no fucking shit, her mother died and her husband was the killer!) "Mrs. Strife, could you say that your husband disliked your mother?"

"Yes," Aerith said quietly, "He'd never really liked her. In his defence, though, she never liked him much either."

"So his hatred would be a perfect motive for murder?"

"Objection!" Xigbar said, "Everyone hates their mother-in-law. It's a fact! Does that make every Tom, Dick and Harry a murderer? No!"

"Has Mr. Strife ever done anything violent?" Leonhart continued, ignoring Xigbar.

"He does weapon work at a local martial arts club," said Aerith.

"Weapons, huh? So that'd give him the know-how."

"It's a hobby!" Cloud said, "Just a bit of fun on a Sunday afternoon!"

"You find killing people fun?"

"Objection! That's just unreasonable!" said Xigbar.

"I agree. Mr. Leonhart, please step down," Said Judge Kisaragi. Leonhart gaped, flustered for a moment, then growled and stepped down. Everyone else was just as shocked. Xigbar had actually done something _right! _

"Permission to approach the bench?"

"Granted."

"Mrs. Strife, you've known your husband for a long time, haven't you?" Xigbar asked, standing in front of her.

"Since we were 12," she answered,

"And as long as you've known him, has he ever given you any reason to believe he could kill someone?" Cloud held his breath. He had given Aerith plenty of reason to think he was capable of murder. Every time they turned on the news he said he'd kill the presenter one day (maybe if he won this case he could go and actually do that...), and he threatens to kill his brother every time he visits. Aerith thought in silence, staring at her hands, wringing them. After a whole minute of thinking (either deciding whether or not to protect him or from actually trying to remember if he had ever done anything murderous-sounding) she said, "No. He's never even considered it."

"She's lying to protect her husband," said Leonhart,

"You're just jealous because she realised how much of a dick you are and that she's playing for our team now!"

"That's inappropriate language for a courtroom," said the judge, but she didn't care, not really. He had a point. "If that's all anyone has to say, then we're going to go deliberate." She was answered with silence, so she, and the jury, left the room. Xigbar sat down next to Cloud with a smirk.

"How... how the fuck did you do that? You... were really shitty and pathetic, but then you sort of... actually started to make sense."

"That is what I call being a BAMF," Xigbar said smugly, "if one spends long enough believing in something, the universe will eventually bend itself for our twisted view of reality. I believed I was an amazing lawyer, and so I was." Cloud considered that possibility.

"Well, we haven't won yet, have we?"

"Give me time, dude. Give me time."

*After we gave Xigbar time*

The jury and judge re-entered the room about 20 minutes later. (yes, in reality, it'd probably take longer. But remember Xigbar's BAMF rule? Solution came quickly because he willed it so.)

"Jury, have you reached a verdict?" the Judge asked,

"We have your honour," said a random jury member (for purpose of visualisation, pretend its Kairi), "On account of the case 'City of Traverse Town vs. Cloud Strife', we find the defendant..." Xigbar tapped the desk rapidly, like a drum roll (TOTALLY PROFESSIONAL). "Not-guilty." Cloud gaped. _Wait, I _won_? _Leonhart shared a similar expression. Xigbar leaned back in his chair, grinning. The room was filled with an overly-cliché chorus of cheers and groans

"Told you so!" Xigbar said, "And to think, if I hadn't won that for you, one might say you would have been in deep... _strife_."

"Oh my God. What? We won? WE WON? HO SHIT! WE WON!" Then he realised Xigbar's joke. "That's _really _lame, just so you know. But thanks, Mr. Winter."

"What... oh, right, yeah, no probs!" said Xigbar, "Ok, I gotta go. Suck-up will have my head if I miss any more work. Catch you later, 'Innocent' man!" And thus, Xigbar the lawyer left the courtroom, and he never returned again.

**A/N: I feel like this ended crappily but I'm too tired to care. The Cloud's Strife joke was a dedication to my brother, DemonicDogapilla (who said he wanted one, so there you go). **

**~LordDisco**


End file.
